Would Salt Blessed by An Episcopalian Be "Christian Rock"?

Get ready for the greatest idea in religious spices since Lot's Wife looked back:

Retired barber Joe Godlewski says that when television chefs recommended kosher salt in recipes, he wondered, "What the heck's the matter with Christian salt?"

By next week, his trademarked Blessed Christians Salt will be available from seasonings manufacturer Ingredients Corporation of America. It's sea salt that's been blessed by an Episcopal priest.

Success in America happens when preparation meets opportunity meets a brain that's inhaled way too much fumes from that blue antiseptic fluid for way too long. Of course there was someone ready and willing to make a buck off it. Bless you, ICA.

Also, wouldn't an Episcopal blessing make the salt even blander?

Fortunately for the sake of brain, someone went off an asked an actual Rabbi (who's all Jewish and stuff) about it:

He says coarse-grained kosher salt is named for the way in which it was traditionally used -- to draw blood from freshly butchered meat, because Jewish law prohibits consuming blood.

Salt is naturally kosher, you see. And Kosher has to do with food purity, not "non-Christianness". But I think I'm preaching to the choir here.

Disclaimer: I'm actually a Christian. But if this is what passes as Christian thought in America today, I'm officially embarrassed.

Red State Trike Force

No, it's not a spelling error:

See what the Red State Trike Force is doing to recruit more support and paradoxically winding up with less at Drinking Liberally New Milford (yes, it's a stumble) here.

As they said at that blog:

Damned if they do, damned if they don't... And just too damned funny to not watch!

Overparsing Them Is What They Want You To Do

In listening to Thom Hartmann today, I once again remembered something I tell everyone who will listen.

The central thing to being a Republican mover and shaker (that is, the Inner Party as opposed to the Outer Party, if you'll put up with the Nineteeen Eighty-Four reference) is that they love to use language not to communicate, not to bridge the gulf between you and then, but as a very soft weapon.

Every word is a loaded gun, just waiting to have the trigger pulled to cause confusion, misinformation, or damage.

Let's take a very simple, very over-used word. Conservative. It's what they call themselves, from the former boy-wonder Dubya down to the garden level chump who's endless credulity moves them to vote for a Party that's all about screwing them.

Conservative. What does that mean? We know what it means. It means careful, prudent, preserving of everything possible.

So the Conservatives ascend to power, and they start ruining the place, doing everything except conserving, being careful, staying the course on what works. But they keep saying they're Conservative, while all the while they're being the exact opposite ... radical, reactionary. And then sane people start scratching their heads.

"But they say they're Conservative," your bemused self says. And you start to re-analyze what conservative means. And you begin to hold two definitions in your head. There's big-C Conservative, which is what the Republicans are, and little-c conservative, what the thing really is.

You may not know it, but they have you. They hit you upside the head with the C-word and, even if you're pretty smart and hard-to-fool, you have to dance according to new rules. There's now neo-conservatives and paleo-conservatives and this-sort-of-conservative and that-sort-of-conservative and pretty soon you have to qualify everything you talk about so much that it's just not worth the hassle of even discussing anymore.

And now they own the discussion, they own the frame. They have you. You're still sane, you're still a good person, but you can't have a discussion without laying out ground rules. Because you've analyzed a common word, conservative, until it's just a greasy spot on the ground.

We call ourselves liberal and conservative, but what we really mean are sane and insane, respectively speaking of course.

I don't know the answer, really I don't. But some of it must have to do with refusing to play that game, calling stupid stupid and insane insane (and since the Republicans have worked so hard to redefine public debate as a snake pit, it's okay that you do that ... or they'll start calling you you were supposed to be the polite ones and you'll start overparsing that too).

But however it happens, remember, it has to happen little by little and bit by bit.

Because that's how we lost the reasonable expectation to have a reasonable debate and not to have a public arena where winning is the only thing.

We can take it back to them. If they live by Frank Luntz, they'll die by Frank Luntz. But it will take diligence.

You can start by reminding them it's the Democratic Party, not the Democrat Party ... and challenge them to talk not using words from a list of talking points.

Preserved In Amber: The Republicans Of Multnomah County

With a cheerful hat-tip to The Ridenbaugh Press, we go into the political wilds of Multnomah County with our witty guide, "Steven" Beaven (a name we're sure is a nom-de-guerre, but we digress).

After wading through the thick, stereotype-laden verbiage at the front of the article (latte-liberals crowding coffeehouses and organic food stores? You were so good in The Back Seat, Beaven, please try a little harder will you?) we stumble on the endangered species in their natural habitat which is, apparently, Urban Grind Coffeehouse.

Must've had wide shoulders indeed to crowd out all those latte liberals, we note in the expeditionary records.

Regardless of "Steven"'s phoned-in approach to the article an honesty of recording of the natural habitat of these natives is evident of the report, and we won't criticize it save to raise an eyebrow at the hackeneyed embroidery, and we will let it stand in its stead. Our focus is on those chimerae of expressions, those clues that tell us how this tribe looks upon the world about it. To wit:

"We're up against such entrenched interests right now," said Dan
Chriestenson, a marketing manager in the auto industry. "I'm just a guy
from Gresham. But I'm willing to step up against this tidal wave."

Also:

"We're trying to get more people involved in the political process,"
said Renee Kimball, a precinct committee person for the Multnomah
County Republican Party who helped moderate the meeting. "The problem
has been too few people making way too many decisions."

And:

"I don't feel like there's a balance in representation," said Lisa
Sullivan, a precinct committee person from Portland. "I think there are
a lot of voices that aren't being heard."

I've waxed prolix on this before. But experienced Republican-watchers have already picked up what I'm trying to put down.

Notice how the world is characterized. Republicans never lose something so much as it's taken from them, most notably by nefarious means (not that that's necessarily operant here, but they may well be thinking this in their deep-down). Republicans are never out of favor because they fail to respond to the changing environment (should we be surprised that they deny global climate change?) but because someone took their ball and won't let them play anymore. The wide gap in regstration in Multnomah County isn't because more people are in synch the Democratic program, it's because of a tidal wave of entrenched interests. The lack of Republican credibility isn't because the Republican party is ridiculously out of touch, it's because not enough people are involved in the political process. You didn't vote Democrats in–they took over somehow!

The Republican party isn't unpopular, you see. Voices are being silenced here!

They haven't written themselves out of the picture. They're being excluded!

The whine is becoming vintage Kremersque.

Ah, if only they could dissolve the people and elect another, yes? But as long as the Oregon ideal of the able Republican is people like Mr T. and Lynn Snodgrass and Karen Minnis and such, the past is exactly where you're going to stay.

Our foray into the political wilderness has been instructive, but we must return to civilization at this point, where liberals pack the coffeehouses as well as the greasy-spoons, the Albertsons and Safeways as well as the Whole Foods and New Seasons, and will continue to crowd Republicans out of the voting booths (which haven't existed for more than a decade anyway, since vote-by-mail) and public discourse as long as they insist on living in the 1950s and wondering why the world moved on without them.

Joe-The-Plumber: Not The Draw CPAC Hoped, Maybe (11 Showed Up, 5 Books Sold-Update)

Garrett Quinn, attending the misama that is CPAC, via Wonkette:

Joe-the-Plumber spoke to 1/4 full room. It was pathetic. I got video of how f**king empty the room was. I tried to make an echo off the walls but I got yelled at. Video to come.

One of the draws of this unholy confab was, of course, Mr Potemkin Village himself, Samuel "Joe the "Not Really A" Plumber" Wurzelbackhoe. I heard an offhand comment by Thom Hartmann on his morning show that only a handful of people attended his 'talk' and even fewer (less than ten) walked off with a book signed by him.

Oh, and you know what ol' "Joe the Plumhead" said about members of Congress that didn't support the Iraq war?

He said they should be shot.

"Joe the Plumhead" has boundless contempt for you. He's just too dumb to know that's what it is.

Now, America, I'm going to tell you one. more. time: Don't. Ever. Let. These. People. Near. The. Levers. Of. Power. Again!

Are you listening yet?

Update: As detailed in the title, a grand total of 11 showed up to see the New Brain of the Republican Machine. And 5 bought his "book". According to John Aravosis.

"Teleprompter" Jindal EPIC FAIL.

The previous installment dismissed the Republican response to the President's speech to Congress of last night as forgotten almost as soon as it was delivered.

That's the problem with swingin' for the fences; when you miss, the whiff of that bat through the air is nothing short of amazing. By all accounts, Governor Teleprompter wasn't just uninspired, he dropped a big, wet, steaming one, and was the most amazing misstep since Gov. Palin's "In what way, Charlie?". This was tone-deafness for the record books.

Of course, you'll expect us liberals to mock him (indeed, it's part of ROR's mission statement), especially when they found the best that they had was one of thier 1994 speeches to source from. But even the conservatives, the ones who've hailed him as the next Ronald Reagan, the new telegenic technocratic smart young up-and-coming and not-so-white face of the 21st Century Republicans, are pulling sour faces at this one.

I mean, et tu, David Brooks?

Kenneth from 30 Rock? Seriously?

I did see the thing (not surprisingly, it's somewhat hard to find even on YouTube). It was cringeworthy. From that bizarre cockeyed grin he had when he walked to the podium to the mawkish appeal to history to the corn-fried personal story awkardly linked to Republican versions of American values to the same tired appeals to fiscal conservatism we don't believe anymore, it was strike one, strike two, strike three, and you're out.

If I were talking to Gov Jindal, I'd console him. You see, them Republicans, they're a fickle bunch. Once you go bad, it's under-the-bus time so fast your head'll be swimmin' by the time you come back to half your senses.

The best commentary I was able to find comes from the New Orleans-based blog Your Right Hand Thief (read this first, then this one):

Jindal is getting bludgeoned for his candy-ass response to Obama's speech last night. It's sort of fun seeing Wonder Boy getting criticized so thoroughly from both sides. Honestly, I was surprised to see the reaction this morning. When I watched the end of Jindal's response last night (I couldn't help myself), I didn't think it was a disaster. Sure, he sounded cheesy because of all the "talk slower!" coaching he's received. And sure, Jindal is just naturally geeky. (I don't have a problem with him being a geek, I have a problem with him being a geek who decided to force himself to believe stupid things in order to advance his political career.)

The comments are even better and more biting than the above.

But one point I wanted to make centers on the sentiment, famously expressed by Tbogg, that Jindal's "presidential aspriations blew up tonight like a cheap condom on the end of a fire hose." I think those sentiments premature, at least as far as he's going to have a a chance at the Republican 2012 nom.

Remember when Sarah Palin opened her mouth and started "aww, shucks"-ing and "drill, baby, drill"-ing all over the place and should have been laughed off the national stage, but wasn't.

Bobby "Teleprompter" Jindal face planted last night.

But he'll be back.

You can mark those words.

The Complete List Of Refusing Republicans

1. Sarah Palin, Alaska
2. Bobby Jindal, Lousiana
3. Mark Sanford, South Carolina
4. Rick Perry, Texas
5. Butch Otter, Idaho
6. Haley Barbour, Mississippi

This blogger put it aptly:

The governors have collectively expressed a few
concerns with the stimulus money, from general opposition on principle
to a belief that it would be better to reject the funds out of hand
rather than abide by the “strings” that Congress has attached to the
money (by strings, of course, the Governors mean they don’t want to
have to spend money on things like schools and medical costs).

To take a phrase from the man the Republican Party saw fit to
nominate as its presidential nominee, this is not “country first.” This
is ideology first.

Keep in mind, this is all posturing. Does anyone really believe that
the voters in those six states won’t be stark raving furious if they
continue to lose their jobs and their homes while the residents of 44
other states get some much needed relief?

Well put. The point was never that it was a bad stimulus plan (I think it flawed but it's better than anything else we have going now). The point is it's being opposed simply because it's a popular plan put forward by a popular Democratic President, one who, in our seriously-flawed electoral-college-based vote system, still got elected without having to cheat at it. 

The point is to undermine Democrats and return to power. 

Do note that the top two names on the list are generally regarded by the conventional wisdom as the up and comers, leading lights, and young turks–and likely contenders for the '12 nomination.

Looking Into The Abyss: Et Tu, Bacon Explosion?

Welcome back to Looking Into The Abyss, our occasional series of forays into that altered reality we charitably call "the conservative blogosphere". Remember: When you stare long enough into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you. We look into the abyss so you don't have to.

Anyway, the storied Bacon Explosion, that example of bacon-on-bacon-on-BBQ cardiovascular and dietary violence that is obviously oh-so-sweet to eat, is actually anti-liberal:

This posting at a blog ironically called "Laugh at Liberals" (whatevs, dudes) hotlinks all the piccies (which you've all seen about a billion times at the original site) and how to put it all together, and then a list of awkwardly hack reasons why BE is such an anti-liberal food–reasons which seem to say more about the worldview of the writer than anything actually liberal.

Spaking as a liberal (with a surprisingly conservative diet) I'd like to try me some Bacon Explosion, but buying all that meat costs money, and thanks to a couple of decade of Republican Reaganomics, I just don't have that much right now.

And yes, I work. Full time. Just so's you know.

Your Liberal Media, Now With Extra Added Democrat Hating

Ira Forman, via HuffPo (emphasis mine):

A decade ago, I debated Ballabon in New York. I represented the Democratic Jewish community while he spoke on behalf of Republican Jews. During the debate, Ballabon claimed that, after his most recent job in Washington, he became convinced that Democrats are inherently bad people and Republicans are fundamentally good people.

D'ja notice? Democrats are fundamentally bad people. Not Democratic congressmen, not Democratic politicians, but Democrats, without modification.

If you're just regular ol' Joe or Janet Democrat, working your fingers to the bone, playing by the rules, paying your taxes, wondering where you're going to get the money to keep food on your family and a roof over your heads, even if you never broken a law and don't intend on doing so, it just doesn't matter, if you're a Democrat, you're Inherently Bad™. You're unredeemable. They're not even going to try.

Can you see why I keep saying that we must not allow conservative Republicans anywhere near the levers of power ever again (if you're still so naive as to think that the last eight years of travail were just sh*t happening)?

Oh, by the way, Jeff Ballabon has been named Senior Vice President for Communications at CBS News.

More tarnish for the Tiffany Network. Bill Paley is surely rolling in his grave now, if the appointment of Katie Couric, Actual Professional Journalist™ to the marquee spot didn't do it.

Hey, CBS News, how's that lowest ratings since the early 80's goin' for ya?

Greg Walden: Against It Before He Was For It

The Shadout Mapes:

Rep. Greg Walden, R-Ore., joined Oregon Democratic Rep. Peter DeFazio in casting the only no votes from the Oregon delegation against the stimulus bill.

But just as I below in the case of DeFazio, it's not stopping Walden from aggressively pursuing stimulus money - and attaching his name to it. In fact, Walden said in a teleconference with federal forestry managers that he wants to get an "unfair share" of the stimulus money for his congressional district.

The problem isn't Greg voted against it and then decided to take what he was given and do good for his district. That's his job and his duty as a M.C.

The problem is that Greg doesn't have the principle that DeFazio did, and you can count on his marketing in the next election as someone who was really on board with the stimulus.

He was against it before he was for it.

>Hey, you out there in the 2nd District–wouldn't it be nice to have someone in office that says what he or she means and means what he or she says? Greg's doing the right thing now ... but remember he wasn't on board with that county payments thing until he knew it was the difference between his keeping his job and not keeping his job.

He'll only do the right thing for you if he really has to. Rest of the time, he'll do what his party tells him to.

That's the way Republicans roll.

Looking Into The Abyss: The President-Obama-As-Crazed-Monkey Edition

Just when you thought conservative opinion couldn't get any more low-rent and tasteless, comes this cartoon:

Artist Sean Delonas's cartoon for today is highly, highly distasteful, bordering on the absolutely horrid. I link it here not because I like it (the combination of Obama-avatarage as crazed-chimpanzee can have no defense ... who is being given credit for the stimulus bill?). It makes me want to vomit. I provide it at this time not because it's pretty, not because it's insightful, but because it gives us a look into the conservative mind, and neatly explains why we must never let conservatives have the controls of anything, ever again.

The aspersions it casts on our legitimately-elected President who, unlike his disloyal opposition, is actually trying to do something about the sad economic state of our nation are, in my opinion, inexcusable.

And, unless the artist lives in a cave, it has probably occurred to him that this may indeed incite someone to violence against the President.

African-Americans have been pejoratively called "monkeys" in our culture ever since Southerners instituted thier own "guest-worker" program for African immigrants in the antebellum times. What conclusion did the artist wish us to draw?

The New York Post, of course, should be ashamed to run such trash. But they aren't (and we shouldn't be surprised, because this is a Murdoch rag). As a matter of fact, the paper's statement about the cartoon essentially gave everyone who didn't care for it the middle finger:

The cartoon is a clear parody of a current news event, to wit the
shooting of a violent chimpanzee in Connecticut. It broadly mocks
Washington's efforts to revive the economy. Again, Al Sharpton reveals
himself as nothing more than a publicity opportunist.

(note: the defense was in direct response to Rev Sharpton's reactions to it). It's highly ironic that the Post, which apparently took this low-rent approach to get people talking about it, accuses someone else for grandstanding.

If this weren't bizarro world, The Post would be out of business tomorrow over this. But some people are sure to day "yep, they gotta point there!".

If this were the Bush administration, the Secret Service would be on Delonas's doorstep so fast it'd make his head swim.

Well, Mom always said the world wasn't fair.

However, at least we know there's a more idiotic conservative editorial cartoonist out there than Glenn McCoy.

I close this with this letter written by a contributor at Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, which distills down my prolix wonderings very nicely (emphasis added by us):

ok, the cartoon with the dead chimp and the policeman saying that
someone else would have to write the stimulus bill is shameful.
if you're saying the president is a chimp, because people compared a*wol to a chimp, you're not figuring in the race card, which always counts. i don't want it to count, but it does.
if you're being that racist, you should hang your head in sadness over your own ignorance.
if
you're saying that other people are racist, then you're missing your
mark, because my first thought was that *you* should be ashamed for
putting this out there.

please think long and hard about how this insults so many people, at so many levels.

The Problem With Oregon Republicans, Part 3.

• For Part 2 of this white paper series, go here.
• For Part 1 of this white paper series, go here.

In 1953, chafing under the developing Stalinist government of the SED, the workers actually had an uprising.

Just like every mass movement in the people's name only, this was a Bad Thing™. The famous poet and playwright Bertholt Brecht famously, wryly and critically observed thus:

After the uprising of the 17th of June
The Secretary of the Writers Union
Had leaflets distributed in the Stalinallee
Stating that the people
Had thrown away the confidence of the government
And could win it back only
By redoubled efforts. Would it not be easier
In that case for the government
To dissolve the people
And elect another?

Ironically, Brecht moved to East Germany after being targeted by Tail Gunner Joe, and still died one of East Germany's most celebrated cultural treasures, even after that criticism. The people didn't much care for the suppression of the Uprising at all, but the SED government liked it enough to rename one of Berlin's most famous streets–Unter den Linden–Strasse des 17. Juni. Which should surprise us not. But I digress.

Why am I going on about East German and Cold War history? That's about as far away from Oregon Republicans as they are from winning the Mahonia Hall next time out.

I have in the past opined that the Republican party is as addictied to message and symbol as a tweaker is to his or her crystal (no disrespect meant to drug users). This works into it to.

Set the wayback machine to November 2004. Smarting from what was one of the first to be many well-deserved electoral setbacks, Ron Saxton (who would go on to carry the R standard only to lose it to Governor K) decided to go for credibilty by assuming the mantle of Owly Pundit. On a day in November 2004, Ron turned his big, wet compassionate eyes on the citizenry not wise enough to be watching Judge Judy at the time and begged us for a more powerful Republican party.

This was after the Rs recieved a drubbing that should have suggested to them that they were on the wrong track. But Oregon Republicans are incapable of learning the lessons of history.

Come back up to the present. The Oregon Republican party passed a turning point where they refused to turn by electing the past (Mr. T.) to guide them to their future. The national Rs elect renowned black man Michael Steele as chair and Mr T. gloats that this changes the perception of the party as the party of old rich white businessman.

Do you see the theme yet? It changes the perception. They telegraphed thier whole playbook right there and then.

Caught on the wrong side of history and, frequently, the wrong side of brain, the Republican party simply amps up the message.

Just like those ungrateful proles in 1953 East Berlin, today's voter just. won't. go. along. We look around and see our commons crumbling, life being reduced to eat or be eaten, we finally figure out it's because of Republicans, and they start losing elections.

They can't choose another electorate. So, the recode the message. Use different words. WRITE IN ALL CAPS. Let us paint you the picture ... did we use oils last time? Let's try watercolors. Oh, we used those? How about gouache? Tattoos? Igpay atinlay? PUMP UP THE VOLUME! Be "cool". Talk "ubby-dubby" like those kids on Zoom always did.

The Message™ didn't take? Rearrange the Message™. Reboot the Message™. Massage the Message™. Embroider the Message™. Color it green. Fly a gay-friendly flag from it.

Just don't look behind it, because you'll find that the Republican party may have a great message (or at least great production values–kind of like Battlefield Earth) but the message is like (if I may be allowed one more Commie reference) a Potemkin village–party out front, nothing in the back. Such is the addiction of Message™ over actual substance, but this apparently does not bother them at all.

The Republican party looks like a party that's trying to bring itself up from it's past, but in reality, it really is still the party of old, white businessman, terrified with the idea of becoming a Caucasian minority in thier own homeland (which we got by carving a new life out of the American Indian).

But, gosh, if we'd just listen to the Message™, we'd Get On Board™, and elect more Republicans. We'd have to disbelieve our lying eyes about what letting Republicans touch our stuff has done, but it's so important to elect more Republicans.

If only they could dissolve the people, and elect another. That'd be sa-weet!

Greg Walden Goes All Democrat On Peanut Execs

What's that smell on the air? Why, it's not the approach of spring, but it's the scent of the contaminated US food supply, Congress finally doing something about it, and corporate execs trying to figure out how to get away with it all in the new, less-business-friendly (read: we can no longer do whatever the hell we want) Democratic climate.

And who's that fellow ... the one growing a backbone and standing up to challenge the dastards that have sickened people all over the country with bad peanuts? Why, it's Oregon's newest Democrat, The Dryside Renegade, Greg Walden, with his eye on winning his next election doing the right thing for you, the citizen:

Oh, he hasn't changed his registration, but he's sure sounding like a Democrat:

Oregon Republican Representative Greg Walden also criticised the firm,
saying: "Lives were lost and people were sickened because they took a
chance, I believe knowingly, with products that were contaminated."

Mr Walden held up a jar containing recalled products - wrapped
in crime-scene tape - and asked whether Mr Parnell would be willing to
eat the food inside.

Apparently that newfound spirit has made him a stronger man, as that can is easily twice the size of his head.

I'll give Greg this: he's no dummy. As the last remaining Oregon Republican in the congressional delegation, he knows the handwritings on the wall. Oh, I don't think he kicks kittens or hopes his kids eat contaminated PBJs (neither do we). But, you know, he had eight years to object to business getting to do whatever the hell it wanted to avoid losing profits instead of the right thing, and you know what?

I don't recall him ever being this concerned about it. Just like the rest of his party.

I also don't really think that he'd mind if they just let the poor peanut producers off the hook: after all, Salmonella happens, right? Nobody could have forseen. But as long as he's doing the right thing instead of the Right Wing, we are at least going to tip our cap to him.

For the record, Mr. Parnell did not eat any of the proffered possibly polluted peanut goodness.

For that matter, he didn't speak up at all. Invoked the fifth, I hear.

However, Mr Walden, we must say: Crime scene tape? Nice touch. Well played, sir.

Congressman Walden: Putting the "con" in Congress

Greg Walden, the lone R amongst the Ds Oregon's sending to Congress, show's he's putting the "con" (as in against, not as in convicted for something) in Congress (as one wit once noted, if con is the opposite of pro, is not Congress the opposite of Progress (and we'd say yes, when it's dominated by Republicans)) by furrowing is brow, shaking his head, and showing concern about the size of the President's stimulus package.

I was listening to KPOJ right now, and heard The Talented Mr Walden squeeze off a few crocodile tears about the amazing price of the legislation designed to keep the economy from going into a Weimar-style tank. He really sounded sincere there, and reminded us all that the Democrats better start listening to Republicans if they want to get anything through.

But you need to be reminded, probably, that back when the first half of the TARP funds were given out ... you know, the $350mil with no oversight, that when the Congress asked where the money was going they said "frak you", and that they still aren't lending out ... Mr Walden was there for them.

Now that it's time to help you out? Feh. You aren't a bank. Who cares?

Choosing clips well, the KPOJ report had Congressman Baird, Democrat of Washington's third, reminding him indirectly that he can show as much concern as he wants, his team lost the game they played in November, and it's past time he and his teammates remembered that.

Try telling that to a Republican. And why does it take a Washington congressman to explain reality to an Oregon one? That's kind of embarrassing.

The Problem With Oregon Republicans, Part 2.

You all will recall that in my last white-paper on this subject (so called because it's mostly about white people, this being Oregon and our Republicans and all) we got up right to the point that the Republicans in Oregon found themselves at a crossroads.

Class is back in session. Take notes. I won't test you, but life and future generations will.

The Republican Party in Oregon is a group of chumps right now. Nobody likes them, not enough people will vote for them to help them win anything, and they wander about like lost calves, lowing "Why? Why have we been consigned to this wilderness? What cruel fate has sent us here?"

They are indeed at a crossroads. They can turn in the good way, or the bad way, because they present themselves with a choice: learn their lesson, talk to the people instead of at them, and spend a few cycles as the State Chumpions, or stick to the tried, true and comfortable.

Since Oregon Republicans hew to the Einsteinian definiton of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results) the odds of that happening were likely as me becoming the next Chuck Pahlahniuk. Wouldn't cross the street on those odds.

Therefore, to signify this is the turning point at which Oregon Republicans to turn, two names came to the fore.

One, Lynn Snobgrass–er, sorry, Snodgrass (I make that mistake all the time, so if I say Snobgrass, you'll know what I mean), was famous for beginning the era of refusing to work with Democrats in the Oregon House of Reps. She was elected to the position of Sphincter of the House in 1999 and served as House Sphincter until 2001.

The position of House Sphincter is one all Oregon House Republicans aspire to. It's called such because, as with the muscle, it can close tight and not let anything through (such as when Democratic bills came toward passage) but when it opens, releases all sorts of nastiness (anything sponsored by a Republican). Snobgrass set the tone, and it reached its awesome perfection in the two terms of Karen Minnis, who, if anything, was an even tighter House Sphincter than Snobgrass was!

Minnis's reign of terror was made notable by the playing of the game Puss-in-the-Corner, although the Oregon House Republican version involved getting a Democrat in the corner and kicking them in the puss (and I mean face here, not what some of you hooligans are thinking).

Lynn Snobgrass made Karen Minnis necessary, because that trajectory only goes in one place.

The other one (before I digress any further) is professional public-employee-union bully Bob "Mr T." Tiernan. Back in the 90s his schtick was to talk smack about public employees and tell enough lies about them that eventually Joe Schmoe out in East Undershirt thought there was nothing wrong with Oregon voters helping themselves to the contracts they negotiated and gratuitiously rewriting them, in crayon if possible (fortunately saner heads on the Oregon Supreme Court pointed out that this wasn't quite fair).

State employees, to their credit, continue to serve Mr. T along with all Oregonians. Mr T, for his part, continues to Pity The Fools.

The destination of my prolix meadering above is this: Throughout the 1990s, Snobgrass and Mr. T helped to finish a reputation of Oregon Republicans as snotty bullies who either ignored or ganged up on and beat up anyone who opposed them or disagreed with them. The claimed government was broken and to prove it, got elected to the State House and proceeded to break it. The Lege, especially during the Snobgrass-Minnis Reign of Terror, produced very little of use to anyone. It was thier way or the highway (Sunset, Mt Hood, didn't matter–don't go away mad, fellah, just go away).

It took Jeff Merkley to get it working again, but that is another thing for another time.

I assert that the main reason that people don't vote Oregon Republicans in is because they're fed up with the mean, angry, "screw you if you don't like it" conservatism that was Snobgrass's and Mr T. stock in trade.

Sadly for the Republicans, that ilk has pretty much driven out any decent, reasonable, moderate Republicans that Oregon had in its party. If Tom McCall were alive today, he'd get excluded out of town on a rail. I predict that they will be pretty much throwing poop at the memory of Mark Hatfield not long after his demise; he advocated getting along with Democrats too, and that can't be tolerated–either that, or they'll remake him like the national party is remaking the image of Reagan.

So, not only did the Reupublican party in Oregon refuse to turn ... they really can't. Thier steering wheel only turns Right, too bad for them.

History will record (already has, in fact) that Mr T. ascended to the Party chair. And, as this discourse demonstrates, is already starting to leave his own bizarre stamp of personality on the party.

It would be neat if the Oregon Republican party would consign itself to the ash-heap of Oregon history; I fear we will not be that lucky. But at least with a leadership this out-of-touch with Real Oregon Reality, we can at least hope that they will wander in the wilderness for a good long time.

Next time in this series, we'll discuss Oregon Republican's communication skills–which are more suited to a virtual world than the real one. Fortunately, they seem to live in one. But I get ahead of myself.

It's Bob Tiernan's World. Michael Steele Just Lives There.

One of the eternal verities in Republican politics is that regardless of what's actually happened in reality (the one you and I get to live in), Republican World is full of virtuous heroes whos mere manly presence (sometimes, even the women) swings The Great Events in The Direction They Must Go.

They make the wheels turn correctly, for all our sakes. And we reward them by electing Democrats to office ... the cheek!

Anyway! It is with eye highly jaundiced, then, that I note that the Shadout Mapes apparently is apparently on that amazing Republican's, Bob Tiernan's speed dial:

At any rate, Tiernan's thrilled because he was one of the whips for the Steele candidacy and says he was with him from the beginning.

Well, we'll give Mr T. the benefit of the doubt on this one. It's an interestingly-crafted statement, that's sure.

"Oregon's going to have some very close ties to the new team," Tiernan said, "and it's going to benefit us."

Just what we all needed with a dynamic new Democrat in the White House ... close ties with a bunch of Republicans who've lost thier way. I don't know what kind of benefits that's supposed to accrue to Oregon, but after twelve years of Republican benefits, I'll take a pass, thanks.

Tiernan said he was attracted to Steele by his dynanism and ability to articulate Republican values. He said Steele's ethnicity helps bust the stereotype that the GOP is a "party of old white guys who only care about business."

This is part of The Problem With Republicans™. Merely electing a black man to lead a party of old white guys that only care about business explodes the stereotype that the GOP is a cabal of old, rich white guys.

It just "busts" the stereotype. It doesn't actually change the fact that the GOP is a party of old white guys who only care about business.

These people care so much about message they think message is all there is to care about. If there's one thing national Republicans lately have taught us is that they haven't changed at all.
So, I'm glad Mr T.'s thrilled, and feels as though he's played a pivotal part (I wonder how many whips there were for the Steele candidacy? Three? Five? Fifty? And when I hear "whip" near the word "Republican", why do I think "leather"?), because in Republican World, you have to be at the center.

But I'm not buyin' it.

I quit giving the Republican party the benefit of the doubt some time back.

And if I had Mr T. calling me to chat, I'd be considering "restraining order".

Nothing Whatsover To Do With Sam Adams In This Item

Two words for you: Wes Cooley. I'd thought we'd been done with him but, as most things Republican in Oregon, it keeps coming back like a drug-resistant staph infection.

Ah, yes, Wes Cooley. Our very own, Contract-with-America generation, conservative-ranchin M.C. from the traditionally dry 2nd Congressional District. Take Wes's views and throw a sweater on 'em, and you have Greg Walden (which is fortunate for Greg, as he went on to succeed him).

Wes Cooley kind of represented the up-and-coming of the current generation of Oregon Republicans, only he was, evolutionarily-speaking, sort of a way-station. Before this group, your average (electable) Oregon Republican was a bit uptight and was maybe like your best friend's pipe-smoking, respectable, country-club Dad, but he was straight with you.

If, for instance, you came upon a fresh dog doot on the street, he wouldn't huff an puff about how that it was really a Baby Ruth but the liberals and the liberal media were telling you it was dog poop. He'd tell you it was dog poop and expect you to deal with it.

Post-Wes, your average Oregon Republican would not stop there, but would continue to build it up; not only was it a Baby Ruth, it was in fact a whole supply-side candy store that would keep out illegal immigrants and generate more jobs than the economy would tolerate while at the same time cutting taxes and helping the poor–and when caught lying about it, cry foul that they were misunderstood.

In the breach between then and now stood Wes. Wes loved the dryside, and the drysiders loved him back. He was a rugged individualist on everything, from ranching to business the government ... and, of course, also with respect to the truth, which, to him, was something like an onion. It had layers:

1. He told a story about being in the Korean War
   
2. When the story didn't hold up, he claimed he was a member of a Special Forces unit sworn to secrecy.
3. He claimed the records were destroyed in a fire, but Sergeant Major Poppy could back him up
4. Sadly, Sergeant Major Poppy was KIA.
5. Unfortunately, Sergeant Major Poppy was actually in a state doctors call "Still Alive".
6. And Sergeant Poppy didn't actually command him in a secret Special Forces unit.
7. And Sergeant Poppy wasn't in a SF unit at all, actually–he was Wes' D.I. in Basic.
8. And three other veterans backed him up on that.
9. Wes claimed Poppy must have Alzheimers, and quit lying about his service.
10. Wes then claimed he had a Phi Beta Kappa key.
11. When it turned out he hadn't, he claimed it was some other honor society he could not recall.
12. And then he claimed motorcycle championship honors he didn't have.
13. And then, to just put the whipped cream on top, he claimed it was character assassination by the Media (it does sound like Sam Adams, after all ... )
14. And, for a while, it looked like his wife was recieving Vet's widows benefits that she wasn't entitled to
15. Until it seemed to turn out that he was apparently lying about the date of his marriage too.
    

I realize a lot of Republican officeholders would look at that list and say "I don't see the problem here." And that's why sane people don't vote Republican. It's interesting to note that Judge Albin Norblad, in Marion County (if this were the 1800's, they'd have called Norblad a "hanging judge" ... he didn't take crap from anyone) sentenced him to two years probation, making Our Wes the only politician we know who has actually been legally punished for lying to voters.

Anyway, that's actually beside the point here. What caught our attention is something The Oregonian reported this last week (credit the very good Jeff "Shadout" Mapes):

Cooley, 76, who represented eastern Oregon in the U.S. House for one term in the 1990s, was charged with six counts of money laundering and one count of filing a false income tax return in 2002 to conceal more than $1.1 million in illicit income. If convicted, he faces a maximum sentence of 38 years in federal prison.


According to the indictment, the investment scheme centered on the sale
of shares in BidBay.com, a startup Internet auction firm, and several
related shell companies. The indictment alleges that investors were
lured by false statements, including a claim that BidBay was about to
be acquired by eBay, the established and hugely successful Internet
auction company.

Wes! You're 76 and you're setting yourself up for a life sentence in Club Fed? What the hell were you thinking?

It must be noted, to create a clearer picture of the character of the man in question, he tried a comeback in 1998.

In his Voter's Pamphlet statement ... he still claimed that he was in the Special Forces:

U.S. Army: Company L, 63rd Infantry; Basic Airborne, Fort Benning, GA; 25th Special Forces Operation Detachment; 10th Special Forces Group;
HQ & HQ Company, Special Forces Group, Fort Bragg, NC," and "U.S.
Army, Special Forces; Veteran, Korean Conflict; Military Specialty of
Demolition Specialist (MOS33533 — prefix "3" indicates completion of
Special Combat Training).

This, even though he was gigged for it in a Circuit Courtroom some years before.

Republican ethics and morals. It's the gift that just keeps. on. giving!

Thanks for stopping by in the news stream, Wes. It's been a while.

The Problem With Oregon Republicans, Part 1

So, you're in a state that, through the years that mattered the most in the 20th Century, was reliably, almost (you'll excuse the hoary old term) "rock-ribbed" Republican. Perhaps the most famous and beloved Governor in your state's history–the great Tom McCall–was a Republican. Some of the most honorable modern public servance in the state's recent history–men like Vic Atiyeh–were Republican.

And people liked you!

But recently you and your party succumbed to the sweet, sweet song that the national party did: win at all costs, treat Democrats like the evil you deep down know that you are. Boy, that reactionism is to the political sould like Red Bull.

You get majorities in the state house. You make it impossible for those evil Democrats (who were once your neighbors you just disagreed with; now you see them for what they are–sinister invaders from God-knows-where) to get anything done. You put someone from the entrepreneur class of Portland conservatives in charge of the State House of Representatives who takes pride in shutting down anything she doesn't like. You let Representatives run around telling lies about and attacking the public employee unions (who serve him even though he loathes them).

For about 10 years, it works just fine. The people drink the Kool Aid and are sure that you've found the cause to the Oregon's ills, all forgetting the famous dictum of H.R. Mencken that said:

There is always a well-known solution to every human problem--neat, plausible, and wrong.

And you've been selling them that solution. It sold like hotcakes. Success was on the horizon for as far as the blinkered eye could see.

But eventually the population tired of the budgets that never quite supplied the needs their taxes paid for and got tired of the Legislature that never worked and tired of the Kool Aid because, after more than 10 years of drinking it, the taste had gone real sour.

In 2008, you have no candidates for major office with a hope of winning. In 2009, all state offices belong to The Evil Democrats, including one occupied by a man who used to be one of you.

The handwriting's on the wall. You're in a hole. What do you do? Keep digging? Or admit to yourself that maybe you've gone down the wrong path, one that's made you a minority party with a multi-hundred-thousand-dollar debt, few prospects, and the laughing-stock of Oregon politics, with The Enemy having a supermajority in the Oregon State Senate?

Ah, if you've not been following this story and you figure the answer is to stop diggin' that hole, you haven't sampled the fine, heady wine that is the intellectual treasury of Oregon Republicans today.

I give it away, of course, but will provide the answer and expand on that thought in Part 2, coming up next.